i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
