Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
