fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
