my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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