He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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