So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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