in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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