glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
