What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
