i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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