I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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