Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
