i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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