Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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