I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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