The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
