Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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