I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
