apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
