Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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