great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
