Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
