Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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