he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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