wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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