so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
