So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
