Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
