I hate your face
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
