Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
