I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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