Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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