Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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