theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
