I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
