Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
