I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
