You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
