The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
The air taste purple.
Randomize
