the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Randomize
