I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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