I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
