Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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