I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
