So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
