try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
