if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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