Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
