I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
