I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
